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Kathy, Im lost. I said, though I knew you were sleeping.  I’m empty and aching, and I don’t know why.

Sometimes this Simon and Garfunkel line goes through my mind, over and over again.  It moves me, these few simple, raw words.  Last night, they were swimming through my mind as the boys and I were getting ready for bed.  I kissed my babes all goodnight, after wiggling Harry’s tooth a dozen times. He was sure it was ready to come out, I was sure it was not.  I kissed them all, said prayers.  Then I came downstairs and listened to Simon and Garfunkel in the quiet, semi dark.  Chris was out of town, and it was just me.  The song, “America” turns my heart inside out.  I don’t know why…  It stirs the marrow of my bones.  Makes my heart ache and bleed out of me.

Kathy, Im lost. I said, though I knew you were sleeping.  I’m empty and aching, and I don’t know why. 

 I never really thought about it much before, but it may be that I really relate the duality of the lyrics.  Here he is, going along, enjoying his life.  Loving his adventure.  But, also.  When it’s quiet, and it’s safe, and no one can really hear…  He can admit the other truth.  The simultaneous truth.

Kathy, Im lost. I said, though I knew you were sleeping.  I’m empty and aching, and I don’t know why.

Harry came down the stairs, grinning.  Blood on his fingers.  Proudly holding his square white tooth in his hand.  I looked at his sweet face and tears spilled out of my eyes.  He’s so beautiful, so unbearably beautiful.  Funny, and silly, and irresistible.  Now his smile will never be the same.  With that front baby tooth gone, his impish smile will begin the inevitable change.  His adult teeth will come in, his face will mature, and he will grow up.  It makes me ache, and laugh, and weep all at once.  “It’s okay, Mom.”  He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight.  “I know.  You don’t want me to grow up.  You love me so much, and want me to stay little.”  Yes.   You’re right.   I want you to stay little.  But I love watching you grow.  I love hearing you read.  Seeing you play and be silly.  Watching your love for math and drawing blossom.  I’m so full of love for you, I can’t hold it all in.  I burst into tears when you pull out a tooth, I love you so.  But also…  Sometimes…

I’m empty and aching, and I don’t know why. 

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“I can’t resist a man in uniform!” My Grandmother would say, with a twinkle in her eye and a playful shrug of her shoulder.  She meant my grandfather.  The sailor who picked up the handbag she dropped on a busy San Fransisco street.  The man who came home to her.  The one who was her everything.  I have to agree… There is something irresistible about a man in uniform.  But the uniform I love is tiny, and there’s a very small man wearing it.  I get weak in the knees when you wear your Cub Scout uniform.  Your hat that pushes your little ears out just a bit.  The way your shirt tail never will stay tucked in. It does something to me.  Makes me want to gather you into my arms and feel your soft cheek against mine.  You’re getting dressed for your first den meeting of the year, and your buttons are all buttoned in the wrong button holes.  I think you fished dirty socks out of the hamper to wear.  You can’t quite get your neckerchief on right.  I can’t resist a man in uniform either.

He’s here.

In all of his glorious perfection.

In all of my glorious imperfection.

Making us the best versions of ourselves.

Loving you.

Every bit of you.

New, perfect, you.

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The great big change.

The great big change, that such a tiny person can make.

 

This sweet pup is about to be a big sister.  She’s a pretty big deal.  She knows it.A few years ago I photographed Ashleigh and Ryan’s engagement photos.  We trudged through the mud to a pond in my neighborhood.  A few months later, I photographed their intimate backyard wedding.  I packed my rainboots for the bride to wear, because it was raining when I left my house.  (She didn’t end up needing them, but hey.  She would have gotten married in the rain, no problem.  Her wedding was perfect and she was stunning.  But I honestly don’t even know if she noticed.  All that she cared about was him.)  Now I’m in their home, with their dog baby, waiting for their tiny human baby.  It brings me so much joy to be invited into these once in a lifetime moments.  To hold in my hand the undeniable proof.  “Look at this!  You see this?  Do you see how beautiful you are?  This love?  This incredible love that you are?  Don’t you see how amazing it is?”  I’ll be back in a few weeks.  I truly can’t wait to meet this new little friend.